The Perspective Swap + Shared Story, Different Feelings

One of the most powerful tools for family connection is also one of the simplest: accurately reflecting back what someone just said from their point of view.

The challenge: Most of us listen to respond rather than listening to understand. We’re mentally preparing our rebuttal or solution while the other person is still talking.

The perspective swap practice: When your teen (or parent) shares something that matters to them, your job is to retell their story back to them using “I” statements, as if you’re them.

How it works:

1. Your teen describes a recent event where they felt a strong emotion
2. You retell the story from their perspective: “So what I’m hearing is that when your friend ignored you at lunch, you felt embarrassed and confused because you didn’t know what you did wrong. You tried texting them but they left you on read, which made you feel even worse.”
3. Ask: “Did I get that right? What would you add to make it more accurate?”

Try this experiential activity: “Shared Story, Different Feelings”

Choose a neutral, shared family experience (a recent car ride, a family dinner, a shopping trip). Each person writes down three words describing their feelings during the event. Don’t show each other yet.

One person reads their three words out loud. The other person asks: “Why do you think I felt that way?” and tries to explain their reasoning before the first person confirms or corrects.

Then switch: the second person shares their three words and the first person guesses why.

Follow-up questions:

• “How different were our experiences of the same moment?”
• “Knowing how you felt, is there anything I would have done differently?”
• “What does this tell us about how we each see our family situations?”

Potential example of perspective swap:

• Teen: “My teacher called on me when I didn’t have my hand up and I froze. Everyone was staring at me and I felt so stupid.”
• Parent (perspective swap): “So when your teacher put you on the spot unexpectedly, you felt embarrassed because everyone was looking at you and you didn’t know the answer. That made you feel like everyone thought you were stupid.”
• Teen: “Exactly! And then I didn’t want to go back to that class.”
• Parent: “And now you’re worried about facing that class again.”

Notice: The parent didn’t jump to “That’s not a big deal” or “Everyone forgets answers sometimes.” They simply reflected what they heard. This creates safety for continued conversation.