What’s Behind My Fear?

Every person, teen or adult, carries fears that shape how they show up in conversations. Fear of judgment. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear of conflict. Fear of being misunderstood.

The challenge: Most people don’t want to admit their fears because vulnerability feels risky. But unexpressed fears create invisible barriers in relationships.

The practice: Each person writes down something they’re afraid of saying or doing in your relationship. Don’t share it yet—just write it down privately.

Examples of common fears:

• “I’m afraid if I tell you how hurt I was, you’ll think I’m too sensitive.”
• “I’m afraid if I set a boundary, you’ll be mad at me.”
• “I’m afraid if I admit I don’t know what to do, you’ll think I’m a bad parent.”
• “I’m afraid if I tell you the truth about where I was, you’ll never trust me again.”

Then: One person shares their fear out loud. The listener’s only response is to ask one of these questions:

• “What’s the worst thing that would happen if you did that?”
• “What would you lose if you said/did that?”
• “What would you gain if you were brave enough to do it anyway?”

Critical rule: The listener doesn’t minimize the fear, doesn’t offer solutions, doesn’t say “that would never happen.” They simply ask the question and listen to the answer.

After the person answers, ask: “Now that you’ve said it out loud, does that fear feel bigger or smaller?”

Follow-up questions:

• “What’s one small action you could take this week that would push back against that fear, even just a little?”
• “How could I support you in facing that fear?”
• “What would you need from me to feel safe enough to be honest about this?”

The family integration: Make fear-naming a regular practice. At family dinners or during car rides, occasionally ask: “What’s one fear you had this week that you overcame?” or “What’s one fear you’re still sitting with?”

This normalizes vulnerability and teaches emotional literacy—the ability to name and share internal experiences.

Advanced practice: After naming a fear, identify the need underneath it:

• Fear of judgment → Need for acceptance
• Fear of conflict → Need for safety
• Fear of disappointing someone → Need for approval
• Fear of being misunderstood → Need to be known

When you can name the need, you can ask for what you actually want: “What I really need is to know you accept me even when I mess up.”

Video Component: “Fears We Carry” A video featuring real parents and teens sharing common fears they’ve held about being honest with each other:

• Montage of different voices sharing fears without context
• Then showing the same families having the “What’s Behind My Fear” conversation
• Demonstrating how naming the fear out loud changes the dynamic
• Ending with their reflections on how it felt to be vulnerable and be received without judgment

Potential example: 

• Teen (writing): “I’m afraid if I tell my dad I’m struggling with anxiety, he’ll think I’m weak.” 
• Teen (sharing): “I’m afraid to tell you when I’m anxious because I think you’ll be disappointed in me.” 
• Parent: “What would you lose if you told me?” Teen: “I guess I’m scared you’d see me differently. Like, you’re always so strong and I feel like I’m supposed to be strong too.” 
• Parent: “Does that fear feel bigger or smaller now that you’ve said it?” 
• Teen: “Smaller, actually. It sounds kind of silly now.” 
• Parent: “It’s not silly. Thank you for trusting me with that. For the record, telling me about your anxiety would make me respect you more, not less.”