The Permission Technique Before You Give Advice
Most parents jump straight from hearing a problem to offering solutions.
Your teen just told you about a problem. Your instinct is probably to jump in with questions and solutions because you want to help. The Kids Mental Health Foundation’s guidance on problem-solving suggests a different approach: ask for their ideas first.
Before offering your questions and advice, ask them to problem solve. You can ask questions like “What do you want to do now?” “How can we make this better?” or “How can I help?” This lets them know you’re on their team and allows them to feel empowered and listened to.
Why this matters:
When teens share problems with us, they might be coming just to vent, not to get advice. They might have their own ideas that we’d miss by jumping in right away. Or they simply need space to problem-solve because they know their day-to-day situation best. By asking for their thoughts first, you’re positioning yourself as a thinking partner rather than someone who swoops in to fix everything.
The permission approach:
After asking for their ideas, let them know you have some questions or ideas and ask when they want to hear them. For example: “Even though this has been hard for me to hear, I’m glad you shared. I have a few questions. Do you want me to ask now or later?”
If they ask for a break, set a specific time to come back to the discussion so you can share what’s on your mind too.
Real example: Teen: “My friend group is being really weird lately.” Parent response option 1: “What happened? Have you tried talking to them?” Parent response option 2: “That sounds frustrating. What do you think might be going on?”
The second response invites them to share more while positioning you as a thinking partner, not an interrogator.
The magic questions from Kids Mental Health Foundation that keep conversations going:
- “What made you decide that?”
- “What options did you think about in that moment?”
- “How can I help?”
- “Tell me more about that.”
This approach takes practice, especially if you’re used to jumping in with solutions.