The Trust T-Chart

Trust is one of those words everyone uses but few people define clearly. What builds trust for you might be different from what builds trust for your teen. When these definitions don’t match, trust breaks down even when everyone has good intentions.

The core principle: Trust isn’t built in dramatic moments, it’s built in daily interactions where people show they understand what trust means to each other.

The Trust T-Chart activity:

On a piece of paper, draw a large “T.” Label the left side “Things that build trust” and the right side “Things that break trust.”

Take turns adding specific examples to each side. The key is being concrete, not abstract.

Not helpful:

• Build: “Being honest”
• Break: “Lying”

More helpful:

• Build: “When you text me back within an hour so I know you got my message”
• Break: “When you promise you’ll do something and then forget”

Why specificity matters: “Be honest” means different things to different people. One person might think honesty means sharing every detail. Another might think honesty means not actively lying. Getting specific reveals these differences.

Follow-up questions:

• “Looking at what we each wrote, where do we have different definitions of trust?”
• “Is there anything on the ‘breaks trust’ list that’s happened recently between us?”
• “If yes, how did we handle it? How did we (or how could we) get back from that?”
• “What’s one small, new thing we can do this week to show each other we’re committed to building trust?”

The compassionate curiosity angle: This activity requires genuine curiosity about how the other person experiences trust. It’s not about being “right” about what trust should mean. It’s about understanding what trust means to this specific person you’re in relationship with.

The mindful awareness angle: As you fill out the chart, notice your own reactions. Do you get defensive when they list something you’ve done on the “breaks trust” side? Can you stay present with that discomfort instead of shutting down or arguing?

Example:

Parent adds to “breaks trust”: “When you say you’re at Sarah’s house but you’re actually somewhere else” Teen adds to “breaks trust”: “When you read my texts without asking”

Both are valid trust breakers. The conversation that follows explores why each matters:

• Parent: “When you lie about where you are, I worry about your safety and I feel disrespected.”
• Teen: “When you read my texts, I feel like you don’t respect my privacy and I can’t trust you with information about my life.”

This opens dialogue about competing needs (parent’s need for safety information vs. teen’s need for privacy) and how to honor both.

Making it actionable: After completing the T-Chart, each person chooses one item from the “builds trust” list that they commit to doing more consistently.

Repair practice: When something from the “breaks trust” list happens (and it will—that’s part of being human), refer back to the chart:

“I know this is on our ‘breaks trust’ list. I messed up. What do you need from me to repair this?”

This frames trust-breaking not as relationship-ending but as repairable when addressed directly.